With yout
perfect standars as my idol I looked down on me. Your perfectionism taught me to
dislike me and once I had that lesson down I learned to hate, resent and blame
me for not living up to your standards!!! You taught me formulas and techniques
for becoming my own kind of psychological auto-immune disease! and my own worst
enemy!  You then left me with a
preciously wrapped gift, my name wasn’t on it but I knew it was for me.  I hastily unwrapped and devoured it whole.  The gift was addiction and I thanked you for
it.

Having
devoured you perfectionism I then sought out to destroy more of those, evil
anti perfect standards surrounding me.
Because that’s what I do as the you, I had become. You taught me to
judge and criticize with a diligent fervor.
I passed all your tests and ran circles for you.  I found fault in all, in everything. “That babies smile is crooked!” “I’m too fat!” “That puppies spots are uneven!” “Yuck There’s a dead tree in that forest it sucks!” “That comment isn’t funny!” “Your not making sense, I don’t like you.” “My nose is too big.” “You called me too early don’t ever call me again.” “Your hair color is wrong.” “I don’t like your outfit”  “I don’t like who you
are.”  “I hate this!”  “Life sucks!”  ‘I hate, hate, hate it all!”

Nothing and
no one was good enough for you and then neither was I!  First me then Life became the enemy!
Eventually oh sweet Perfectionism…my idolization of you transformed me into a
black hole sucking in and spewing out every aspect of life. Food, money,
relationships, friends, people I became a raging torrent of negativity bowing
to your splendors and glorious standards. I exalted you, I praised and lived
only for you. You were my only truth. My Divine light.  And I was skinny, ragged, miserable, lonely,
desperate and ravaged in my desperate love for you.

In desperation,
fear, misery, exhaustion and isolation I crashed and fell breaking apart on my
crumbling knees.  I gathered some pieces
and crawled back to people.  I found
nourishment, shelter and community. I felt safe.  I stayed.  They showed me
spirit.  It was too bright and I covered
my eyes.  But having seen it, I had a
taste.  I became curious.  I began to forget about perfection for
longer stretches of time.  I slowly
allowed spirit in and became my guiding light.

I began to
look at my devoured soul and finally I questioned what had perfection done for
me? Holding my soul up to the light of spirit I began to see its dark
reflections. Gradually as light filtered in it brought with it gifts
acknowledgment, acceptance, compassion insight and forgiveness as I studied and
reflected with the eyes of honesty, humility and clarity. Layer by layer I
surrendered to the light and fit my life pieces back together.  I began to crawl and eventually walk, then
run and skip towards freedom, expansion, and I found what I had always been
searching for LOVE!  Once I loved myself
I drenched, cleansed and soaked in it, I was freed to give and receive it and
all the majesty of its miracles. Spirit had arrived to play my fairy god-mother
so I could splash and play in arms of faith and trust.

My soul
reborn after its death is now a nebula, incubating and creating stars.  Birthing new life, new hope, new love and
new joy. My universe within the universe, I celebrate the joys of life, death,
birth and rebirth.

In the
circle of the yin and yang I lived the deepest darkest reaches and now complete
the circle in the lightest brightest fullest reaches.  My circle is a big full circle as equally dark as it is
light.  I marvel at its splendor.  A life full rich and deeply lived, my
journey is presented to spread healing, joy and hope.  However deep we fall we also rise, if we do the work.  When you surrender to spirit it sheds the
light and all becomes clear.

Why is my
darkened part of the circle so deep? As a young child I loved and adored my father
until he violated me.  In that moment of
recognition was it sprit that intervened?
Because at 8yrs old I figured out what he was trying to do was wrong.  That love for ‘Dad’ twisted itself into
repulsion, then fear and hate as his random beatings for my knowing what I
wasn’t supposed to know replaced his sexual desires.  As an unknowing innocent child I took on the blame, the shame and
the guilt… I had wanted his attention and affection therefore I was implicated.  This was my dirty secret and it is for one
in four in America!!!!

My
perceived social taboo of incest encouragses my keeping it secret.  I still believe no one really wants to know
about incest.  It’s too deep, its too
troubled.  It’s too ‘deranged”.  And it is my mission to change that perception.  It happens!
A lot.  More than people are
willing to admit and I have seen its ravages.
I’ve seen the fear in those victims eyes, their frightened tiny troubled
anorexic lives.  Life is unsafe and
threatening so they choose to remain invisible and unheard.   You are only as sick as your secrets so
this secret must be revealed.

Perfectionism
was my escape from the reality of my situation.  It somehow rationalized, justified and gave myself a twisted
meaning to compensate for my inner self loathing.  It was a mask I tried to use to cover up my tortured inner
self.

Perfectionism
is a word that can be replaced with lover, or any Idol we hold nearer and
dearer than ourselves and our spirit connection.  False idols project long dark shadows, blinding you, tricking you
into destructive behaviors and eventual destruction.  Spirit projects only light, whatever direction you go, it casts
its brightness so you can see.   The closer
you keep spirits presence to you the better to light your way.  The dearer in you heart you hold spirit the
deeper the in-sights.  My lesson is my
gift to you, perhaps from my lessons you can learn an easier way.

“Once upon a time, there was Bushman who raised cows on a farm in the Kalahari Desert. His life was serene and simple but lonely. One morning, when he went out to milk his cows, he saw that they had
already been milked. He couldn’t magine who had done this. The next morning when he came out he found again that the cows had been milked during the night.”

The next night the Bushman resolved to hide in a shed near the cows in order to discover who had been
milking them. As midnight approached he saw a remarkable sight. Climbing down from heaven on a ladder that extended between the stars and the earth was a multitude of Star Maidens. Their beauty took his breath away. Each Star Maiden carried a bucket and as she touched down onto his land, she began to milk his cows. The Star Maidens milked the cows all night long and as the dawn approached
they began their trip back to the stars, ascending the ladder one by one.

The farmer could not bear to see them leave. Just as the last Star Maiden approached the ladder, he darted out from his hiding place, took her by the hand and begged her to become his wife.
Surprising though it was, the magical Star Maiden was happy to marry the simple farmer.

When they returned to the farmhouse, the Star maiden told him the following: “I am delighted to marry
you and I promise you that your farm will prosper. I have only one condition that I must set. I have here a basket. You must promise me never to open this basket. If you do open it, then I will be forced to leave you.” The farmer promised that he would do as she wished. The Star Maiden put her basket down in a corner of the room, and so their life together began.

As his new wife promised, the farmer’s farm and crops prospere d and he became one of the most successful farmers in the whole area. His wife went out into the fields to work everyday and everything that she touched seemed blessed by the gods. He was a very happy man, and , as the years
passed, he became happier yet with his good fortune, for he loved and appreciated the Star Maiden.

One afternoon when his wife was out in the fields and he was at home looking for something, he found the basket she had put away many years before. Though he remembered the injuction of his wife, he didn’t take it seriously any longer so he picked up the basket, put it on the table and opened it up. To his surprise he found it empty. He found this very amusing and had a good laugh over the fact
that it was empty. He remembered well the seriousness with which she had warned him about not opening her treasure.

A short time later the Star Maiden returned from the field. As she entered the room she knew immediately what had happened. She spoke to her husband with the following words. “A long time ago I warned you never to open up this basket because it was very special to me. I told you also that I
would have to leave if you did open it. Well, you violated your oath and this evening I am going to be leaving you. I want you to understand that the reason for this. I am not leaving you because you opened up this basket without my permission. That would have been all right after all these years. I am leaving
you because when you opened the basket you found nothing in it. That is why I can no longer be with you.”

And so it was that as night came the Star Maiden, with great sadness, climbed the
ladder back to her home in the sky, not because the farmer had broken his vow,
but because he had looked into her most precious possession and could see
nothing there. This basket contained the S tar Maiden’s essence. When he looked
into her basket, he had looked into the depths of her soul, at the magic she had
brought with her to this earth from her home in the stars. He had looked, but he
had seen nothing. He was blind to her magic, and the Star Maiden could no longer
stay with him.

Take a moment and think about your relationship. Do you notice your partner’s magic, gifts and
strengths or do you see your partner’s basket as empty?

Do you see your own gifts and essence or do you see your own basket as empty?

What would it take for you to see your own gifts and essence?

Love Deb

deb@vitalsignsfitness.com

my wonderful husband

Yes! You can start today!

Have you tried going out ‘on the hunt’, doing things you don’t want to do?, online dating? affirmations?, visualizations? And still the ‘attracting’ is not working?   or perhaps you haven’t done anything and your stuck in “I’m too shy”, “I’m too old”, “I’m overwieght”, “I’m not interesting enough, smart enough, pretty enough, succesful enough….etc blah blah blah!  Or your settling for less?!  Stop wasting precious time!  Believe in yourself, in your hearts desire!

Ok so far its all not working.  Let’s change that!  Charge up your belief system!  Right now right this second.  And act as if!  As if you’ve already met, feel the flutters, the excitement, and begin your conversations with this mate.

Get excited about life, it’s so important that you feelize, not just visualize, or affirmize your new mate.  Dress the part!  Looking good makes you feel good.  Treat yourself the way you want your mate to treat you.   Keep the conversation going with your mate wheneve, whereever you can.

Now get adventurous, any invitations to events, no matter how you feel, Go!  Get creative, take action-do you love wine?  go to wine tastings.  Do you love coffee?, go to coffee tasting.  Get yourself out to places and things you love!  You’ll start to feel light hearted and happier.  Grow your relationship with yourself! If you have a good relationship with yourself, it’s all practice for the mate relationship. Work on all your relationships.  Focus on treating yourself.

Clear your emotional space, if there are any relationships that need resolving, write letters or make phonte calls and get emotionally clear.

Clear out your house, evidence of old lovers, clutter, stuff that doesn’t make you feel vibrant and alive!  Burn ex-s letters, photos let them go!  Make it bright and shiny, clear and clean!

Continue to act as if, and definitely continue the dialogue.  Let go of when it will happen.  Trust.  It will happen when you least expect it!

Meditate and clear the crazy negative thoughts.  Declutter your mind and drop down into your heart, breath with your heart allow it to crack wide open!

Feel the love, give it to yourself and you will magnatize lovet to you!

This is how I met John (my happy and sacred soul mate)  and we have now been together over 15 years of wonder and bliss.

On your wish list don’t try to create someone like you! ..boring!  Don’t focus on the physical, but rather how you want to feel with this person.  How does this person make you feel?  What will your lifestyle be like..kindred lifestyles are improtant and similar interests.

deb@vitalsignsfitness.com
Call for a free consultation 917-826-9083

This is an amazing way to open your heart if/when you feel it starting to close up!  Repeat to yourself “I’m sorry.  Please forgive me.  Thankyou.  I love you.”   Repeat it quietly to yourself until you start to relax and feel your heart begin to open up.

It is an ancient Hawaiian practice of reconciliation and forgiveness. Similar forgiveness practices were performed on islands throughout the South Pacific including Samoa, Tahiti and New Zealand. Traditionally hoʻoponopono is practiced by healing priests or kahuna lapaʻau among family members of a person who is physically ill. Modern versions are performed within the family by a family elder, or by the individual alone.

Be-loved

Your body is your divine temple to explore, express and create your existence.

Learn
to separate thoughts, which become emotions, then drama.

Learn
to simply be no resistance, no tension, no stress.

Thurs 2pm
its time to rock your chakrasanas, into your deepest fullest
expression.  To explore your outer
limits and blow through those old perceptions of yourself. ie “oh I’m too
tight there” “oh I can’t do that” “I’ll never get
there” Lets wring out the old you and discover a newer vibrant, alive,
relaxed and conscious you. Set your intention and with focused loving dedicated
action it all unfolds. Warning: this doesn’t happen in one day! Be surprised!
Experience the rapture!

Friday 11am, its time to submerge deeper inward to a
place of peace calm and eventual samadhi. Through breathwork, gentle stretch,
meditation and yoga nidra we will explore our inner universe and how we are all
one in this blissful and sometimes torrential sea called life. Learn to stay
within the inner calm as we experience the crashing waves of life. As we
practice, this state becomes our constant state of being.

Wed 5:15pm

Tues 5:30

are open to your specific requests. Feel free to book
privates(alternate times available) to address very specific questions and requests. Bring a significant
otherr for couples yoga or bring a friend to share the experience and the cost.
Everyone benefits

Reserve
your spot today.      Please contact me for more details. Shanti Om tat sat. xo deb@vitalsignsfitness.com

1. Don’t eat any food you see advertised on television. Only about 5% of   the foods advertised on TV are actually good for you.
2. Sweeten and salt your food yourself – pre-processed foods over do it.
3. Don’t eat breakfast cereals that change the color of the milk.
4. The whiter the bread the sooner you will be dead.
5. Eat all the junk food you want as long as you cook it yourself. Food that  used to be hard to make is now really easy to buy. Try making French fries  yourself – they are a mess to make.
6. Stop eating BEFORE you’re full. This is a common a folk law across all  cultures.
7. Buy your snacks at the farmers’ market.
8. Eat when your hungry not when you are bored.

ONE.  Give  people more than they expect and do it cheerfully.

TWO.  Marry a man/woman you love to talkto. As you get older, their conversational skills will be as important as anyother.

THREE.  Don’t believe all you hear, spend all you have or sleep all you want.

FOUR.  When you say, ‘I love you,’ mean it.

FIVE.  When you say, ‘I’m sorry,’ look theperson in the eye.

SIX.  Be engaged at least six monthsbefore you get married.

SEVEN.  Believe in love at first sight.

EIGHT. Never laugh at anyone’s dreams. People who don’t have dreams don’t have much.

NINE.  Love deeply and passionately. Youmight get hurt but  it’s the only way to live life
completely.

TEN.  In disagreements, fight fairly. No name calling.

ELEVEN  Don’t judgepeople by their relatives.

TWELVE  Talk  slowly but think  quickly.

THIRTEEN.   When someone asks you a questionyou don’t want to  answer, smile and ask, ‘Why do you want to  know?’

FOURTEEN.  Remember  that greatlove and great achievements involve  great risk.

FIFTEEN. Say ‘bless you’ when you hear someone sneeze.

SIXTEEN. When you lose, don’t lose the  lesson.

SEVENTEEN. Remember  the three R’s:Respect for self; Respect for others; and Responsibility for all your actions.

EIGHTEEN. Don’t let a little disputeinjure a great friendship.

NINETEEN. When you realize you’ve madea mistake, take immediate steps to correct  it.

TWENTY.  Smile when picking up the phone.  The caller will hear it in your voice.

TWENTY- ONE. Spend  some time alone.

A  true friend is someone who reaches for your
hand and touches your  heart.

And I am grateful for those experiences. What the fear and pain taught me is how wonderful life is without fear and pain. It took me a long time to realize that lesson though. I chose suffering as my next lesson and learned about shame, guilt, anger, resentment, jealousy, lust, hatred and dis-ease. I became bulimic and gave myself to men believing I would recieve love in return. Yet I am grateful for the bulimia and the love search (though misled) because it kept me alive and gave me a reason to live until I figured out the real reason I’m alive.

When I was finally brave enough to shed behaviors and sick of perpetrating violence against myself.  I knew I no longer wanted to be a victim!  I began to release the love search and bulimia and with it came insights and clarity and eventually my wonderful husband. Through years of therapy, soaking, rinsing, wringing and repeating in yoga practice, giving service and an avid spiritual appetite, spirit lifted my fear, guilt, shame, anger, resentment, jealousy, lust and  wantonness.

Having spent my childhood and adolescence in fight and flight it had become my default state of being which led to what my therapist called ‘dysthymia’ a mild depression. It stopped me from achieving my dreams hopes and aspirations and had kept my life safe, small and chained to therapy.  I did manage to move to NYC and place the Canadian/US border between me and my Dad in order to feel safe. Any movement out of my comfort zone put me into fight and flight and inevitably led to a subtle form of self-sabotage.

No longer wanting safe and small and expanding old parameters brings up the old issues on an ever-deeper level. It’s the proverbial pealing back of the onion.  Each layer less tears though because I have experience with those ‘old’ issues, they are past.   And now I say ‘hello old friend issues’.  My dedication to spirit and yoga practice keeps me young, strong and spirited and I can easily lay those old issues to sleep.

Every time I come out and tell my gory story my spirit gets stronger. My mission is to spread hope and freedom from the past, and for all to find happiness, joy and an ever expanding life.  Now living in peace, happiness, joy and freedom, the layers of my life unfold into a kaleidoscope of acceptance.  It is life in all its glorious colors!

This video shows what happens within the brain as we change behaviors. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Nmvk3zlyQ2w

Visit my about services on the front page of website: learn more about me http://www.vitalsignsfitness.com/about/about-deborah/and my Life Coaching http://www.vitalsignsfitness.com/life-coaching/and Yoga Training http://www.vitalsignsfitness.com/about/private-yoga/ . Peace Love and Joy to All!